Disability & Relationships: Connection with a Side of Access

Whether it’s a roommate who learns your emergency protocol or a partner who helps you navigate a crowded subway with your service dog, relationships shape our disabled lives in profound ways. But they also come with unique dynamics—ones that deserve space, honesty, and strategy. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I try to form new friendships and have started living with my partner. So let’s explore how relationship building can evolve around accessibility.

Friendship: Building Supportive Circles Without Educator Fatigue

Friendship shouldn’t feel like a full-time job in disability education. Still, many of us find ourselves explaining access needs, medical routines, or sensory boundaries just to feel safe in social spaces. Here’s what helps:

Access Check-Ins: Normalize asking for help or more accessible options in group settings. This can look like suggesting gluten free restaurants or activities that are more disability friendly (maybe board game night instead of going out to a club)
Shared Language: Create shorthand for symptoms or needs (e.g., “I’m in a low spoon zone”). This can also look like educating your friends on what your conditions are over time, and what your episodes look like.
Celebrating Interdependence: Friendship isn’t just about showing up—it’s about showing up accessibly. You don’t need friends who treat you with kid gloves, just understanding and space to be yourself.
Understanding: Your friends don’t have to know everything about your condition, but knowing the basics can really help. If you’ve ever had to cancel plans because you were having a flare up, or just weren’t feeling up to it, you know how disappointing that can feel. When your friends know what you’re going through, their much more likely to try to make things accessible for you or not take it personal when you need an extra rest day.

Roommates: From Coexistence to Collaboration

Living with others while managing chronic illness, mobility tools, or service dog routines can be tricky. I’ve been living in a dorm set up for years, and it’s never easy talking to a roommate about why you’re lying on the floor at 12 pm on a Tuesday, but it’s often something that needs to happen. I recently moved in with my partner, but it’s still a relevant conversation to have for many of us.

Access Agreements: Draft a roommate contract that includes quiet hours, scent-free zones, and shared responsibilities. This can look like expectations about shared appliances or how to limit cross contamination.
Emergency Plans: Make sure roommates know what to do during a flare, fainting episode, or medical emergency. You don’t want them calling an ambulance for an everyday migraine.
Respecting Boundaries: Your room isn’t just a space—it’s a sanctuary. Make that clear from day one. If you need some time to rest and recover, make sure that you have a space to do that.

Romantic Partnerships: Love with Access and Agency

Dating while disabled means navigating disclosure, intimacy, and mutual care. It’s not about being “a burden”—it’s about being real. Whether you’re starting a new relationship, or maintain a longer one, access is important.

Early Conversations: Talk about access needs before they become urgent. You never want to be explaining what an episode is while it’s happening.
Shared Advocacy: A partner who helps you speak up at a restaurant or navigate a medical appointment? That’s love in action. You want someone who will advocate for and with you, rather than treating your conditions like a burden.
Celebrating Disabled Joy: From trail dates with your service dog to cozy nights with compression socks and gluten-free snacks—romance doesn’t have to look typical to be beautiful. Some of my favorite memories with my partner include emergency safe snack runs and surprise brownies.

While establishing new connections and relationships can seem scary or overwhelming, most people are willing to accommodate you!

Relationships are not just about connection—they’re about co-creating spaces where disabled people can thrive. Whether you’re navigating a new roommate dynamic or deepening a romantic bond, remember: access is love, and love is access. You should never feel like a burden to your loved ones, and your relationships should reflect that.

Trailblaze on!

— Kaya and the Trailblazing Unleashed Pack